tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
