im drinking this country out of the recession.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
