I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
