I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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