Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i think my mom watched the whole time
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
