my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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