Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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