My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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