I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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