I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
