Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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