when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
handjob tips. give me some.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
