Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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