A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
