I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
