The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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