meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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