why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i think i have two assholes
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
