A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
