I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I need water and some morals
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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