Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
