Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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