It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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