Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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