having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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