I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
