omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
