that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
