Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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