I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
