I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
