Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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