The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
organizing the empties. That sober.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
