mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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