Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
