Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
