I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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