THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
try to milk me bitch
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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