I wish I could teleport
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
a search helicopter?!
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
