literally had 100 drinks last night.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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