i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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