exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
