wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
