I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
