I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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