I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
