There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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