Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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