im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
