Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize