when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
