he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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