Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
