Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
