God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
