Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
