Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
