onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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