whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
