If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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