she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
