I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
