The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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