My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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