Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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